


Classified

by Fedora Of Adorableness (TheTimelessChild0)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, White Collar
Genre: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Spoilers, Embarrassment, Humor, Nick Fury Knows All, Pre-Avengers (2012), Steve being a grandpa, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Urination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:41:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25086322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTimelessChild0/pseuds/Fedora%20Of%20Adorableness
Summary: Neal didn't expect meeting the Avengers to be soembarrassing...
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	1. Prologue

It was a typical day. Neal was walking home one beautifully sunny afternoon when his morning coffee said hello a second time. 

Of course, he’d been to the bathroom for the same reason _once_ already, but add a few glasses of water...

Rubbing his thighs by mere impulse, he looked around. The best option seemed to be the skyscraper ahead. Only, it wasn’t just _any_ skyscraper. It was Stark Tower.

Neal had heard about the security measures. He walked closer. He wasn’t breaking in, and he hadn’t stolen anything from them. Nor would he ever try.

The lobby was small and inviting. And the door was open, so he walked through. 

There wasn’t much in the room beside a few chairs, a table with a water pitcher, no doubt for important guests or particularly annoying intruders awaiting a swift _push_ out the door. 

He flashed his most endearing smile at the receptionist. 

“Hi, is there a bathroom I could possibly use?” he inquired politely. 

“Sorry no..but if you go just a few feet into the park there are some,” she informed him. 

At the same time, a man exited the previously locked door on the left, adjusting his belt. It indicated that there was a bathroom behind said door. There was a box next to it which flashed from green to red. Undoubtedly a card reader. The elevator had one to match it. 

He thanked her and walked out of the building. Both seemed to have mechanisms that made their doors close just slowly enough for a comfortable entrance and exit, but not long enough for someone to slip by without swiping a card of their own.

Neal blocked the direct sunlight with his hand, scouring the distance. What she had called a bathroom was a collection of _porta-potties_...

He scoffed. Not while he was wearing his Devore, which was always. 

He noticed a group of armed gentlemen in less expensive suits, walking towards the building. He saw his shot and took it. 

Of the three, only one seemed thoroughly kindhearted and more importantly, _patient_.

Neal strode casually, but quickly over and purposefully bumped into him, dropping his hat as a cover. 

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, bit too hurried there,” he chuckled, reaching for the man’s laptop bag. But the agent grabbed it from him. 

“It’s fine it happens,” the man forgave. 

They walked away into the building. Neal slipped through the door and made sure the receptionist was looking the other way. He tucked his hat down, placed the card in the reader and dropped it behind him as he entered the bathroom. 

It wasn’t particularly a fancy bathroom. Cleaned more often definitely, but not exactly worth the ‘staff-only’ treatment.

Neal found it extra relieving to use this bathroom. 

_Like pissing on the establishment_ , he mused, worrying that he’d been listening to Mozzie too much.

* * *

Agent Phil Coulson of SHIELD was a busy man. So, he didn’t have time for any of Stark’s nonsense. He’d been given access to Tony’s datebook by Ms Potts, to ensure that they wouldn’t run into him. His presence wasn’t needed but the man himself would disagree, if he found his home invaded.

He checked once more with the receptionist, and then walked to the elevator, reaching for his key card. It was missing. 

“What the...oh damn it, I lost it again,” he grumbled. 

  
“ _Again_? Don’t tell Fury, he’ll bench you with paperwork,” Hill smirked. 

  
“I was on a conference call, and I asked them to give me a car without a gap in the middle,” Phil defended, looking around. 

“It’s over there,” she pointed near the bathroom door. Coulson leaned down and picked up a card. It had his face on the back. 

“Hmm. That’s weird, seems they only used it to get into the bathroom,” he noted. 

“When you’ve gotta go, you gotta go,” Hill mentioned.

“So we’ve got a pickpocket with a small bladder. _Fascinating_ ,” Phil remarked semi-sarcastically.

“You can check who used it via JARVIS when we get up to the penthouse,” she assured him. 

* * * * * *

Steve put down his OJ and newspaper, hearing the elevator ding. He still missed the old noise from during the war.

“Hey, Coulson. Tony isn’t here,” he reminded them. 

“I know. I’ve got stuff for him to look at, but seeing as he doesn’t like being _handed_ things, I figured I’d just drop it off. Where should I put it?” Phil queried, opening his bag. 

“Pepper’s designed a system, I’ll go put it on her desk,” Cap offered, grabbing the files.

He left through the stairs, and according to the sounds he was making, was sprinting through his super-speed. 

“Hey, JARVIS?” Phil called to the room. The familiar British computer voice chimed in recognition.

‘ _Yes, Agent Coulson, how may I be of assistance?_ ’

“Bring up all recorded uses of my key card in the last 20 minutes,” he requested.

A holographic screen on the wall showed the information. As suspected, within the time frame that Phil knew _he_ was just walking out of his car, past the front desk, and towards the elevator, the card was used on the reader belonging to the lobby bathroom.

“There. Second from the top; Show me security footage a few seconds before and after,” 

JARVIS happily obliged. 

The video showed Neal walking with the crowd of equally suited officials, and slipping into the bathroom. 

“Go back like 5 seconds,” Phil asked on a hunch. The picture yielded a partial profile.

“That’s the guy who bumped into me right outside the building,” he mentioned. 

“Can you ID him?” Hill checked. 

‘ _Certainly,_ ’

  
The AI scanned the face, and particularly the ears, pulling up intel. 

  
‘ _Neal Caffrey, born Neal Bennett, 32 years old. He grew up in St Louis, Missouri for most of his life, through Witness Protection. Moved to New York shortly before his high school graduation, whereafter he was spotted at several universities there. He was arrested in 2005 for bond forgery and is otherwise suspected of countless other forgeries, frauds and art thefts. Currently employed at the FBI as a consultant under supervision, by means of a tracking anklet,_ ’ JARVIS summarised. 

Steve walked in to see Caffrey’s face and ‘alias’ projected on the wall. 

  
“Why are you looking up Caffrey?” he questioned. 

  
“He’s the one who lifted my key card,” Phil explained. 

“Huh. I’ve heard of him. He was suspected of stealing a bunch of art from a Nazi U-Boat. SSR looked for it after Stark Sr gave up on me,” Cap stated. 

“Well, he’s got class,” Hill noted, playing the footage again for Rogers’ benefit. 

“That’s Caffrey, alright,” Steve hummed bemusedly in agreement.

“So, what do we do?” she posited.

“You can’t be charged for theft if you bring the item back seconds after stealing it. And he technically didn’t trespass; the lobby is open, the restricted bathroom is legally part of that. You can’t be arrested for breaking into a room,” Phil noted. 

“Well, assuming he has no intention of testing the security of the rest of the building by similar means, and assuming you stop putting your card in your pocket, like I’ve _told you not to_ ,” Cap hinted. Coulson nodded sheepishly. “Do we have to do anything?” 

Phil thought about it for a moment. 

“We don’t _have_ to...I think I should take a look at the lab,” he remarked, walking away.

* * *

It was the weekend. And for once, he hadn’t been called in. Neal slept off a hangover that he otherwise wouldn’t risk, due to Peter’s promise that embezzlers worked 9 to 5 like everyone else. Of course, Mozzie doesn’t. 

“You’ve got mail!” the imp proclaimed, bursting through the door. 

“Don’t remember you being in that movie,” he snarked, tying his bathrobe and taking another pill for his headache.

“It’s unmarked but thin, I’m guessing either anthrax or pressure-release spring razor blade,” Mozzie theorised.

“Or it could just be a letter,” Neal pointed out grabbing the envelope. 

“You had Bugsy check it for micro-explosives?” he sighed, checking for invisible ink. 

“Of course,” Haversham promised. 

Neal shrugged and opened the envelope, while his partner-in-crime had a small aneurysm.

The inside flap of the envelope was decorated with a logo, it was unfamiliar, but clearly military, judging by the eagle in the centre. 

There was also a small slip of paper, with a card attached at the top. Neal’s eyes widened. He recognized it as the same one he picked off that agent the other day. 

The letter beneath it read,

_To Neal Caffrey_

_This card works only on the door to the bathroom in the lobby, for whatever occasion in the near or late future you may require it. It is also so that I can keep my card in my pocket where I like it to be._

_Agent Philip. J. Coulson, S.H.I.E.L.D._

Neal huffed in amusement.

“What does it say?!” Mozzie pried. 

“None of your business,” he put the letter in his secret cubby, and went to place the card in the pocket of his favourite suit. 

“Does this logo ring a bell?” Neal showed him the photo he took of the logo.

“No...seems ominous. Whoever came up with it wants to, or _has_ a link with The Man, and wants to show it, but still keep their ideals, or motivations hidden. Plain silver eagle...remarkably uncreative,” Mozzie noted.

“What about the acronym. The guy who sent it was an unfortunate victim of my superb sleight of hand. He works for something called SHIELD,” he explained. 

Mozzie appeared to have yet another, _larger,_ aneurysm. “You stole from an Agent of SHIELD?! Are you insane? Did you not listen to my terrifying Stark Tower cautionary tale?” 

“I had to _go_. And I don’t even know what SHIELD is, let alone that they worked in the building,” Neal shrugged. 

“SHIELD stands for Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division. They’re E.T Feds! Basically, they confiscate alien technology or aliens themselves, and if they’re dangerous either incarcerate them or find a way to send them home. There are whispers of a hangar in space, containing a giant blue cube, that got lost in the ocean in the 40s,” Mozzie retold. 

“So, Stark, with all his technology is a benefactor...that explains the security...how old are these whispers?” Neal questioned, intrigued. 

“Based on a redacted document from the 90s,” he admitted. 

“So it’s probably confiscated for being dangerous and is no longer in space where Space Me could steal it,” Caffrey theorised. “Nice, despite their shadowy practices…” he remarked. 

“Nice?! How were they _nice_ to you?” 

  
“Sorry, Moz. That’s _classified_.” Neal grinned, grabbing a bottle of soda.


	2. A Caffrey-Coulson Capsicle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caffrey regrets stepping foot inside the building...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have _not_ watched AoS so no spoilers in the comments please, I just know this one piece of information, and used it in this story.

Peter stood outside the conference room. He’d been up all night checking, double-checking and  _ triple _ -checking that neither Neal nor any of his aliases had any tangible link or connection to their client. It already made the kidnapping case complicated; the person in question would probably kick his ass if they reunited.

Crossing his fingers and sighing, Agent Burke entered. 

“Alright, everyone. We’ve got another embezzling case. Except this one’s slightly trickier. We’ve got a  _ very  _ important agency looking over our shoulder so no grey area this time, got that Caffrey?” he introduced.

“Crystal,” Neal shrugged casually.

“Who’s the victim?” Diana questioned. 

“Stark Industries”

The slick logo appeared on the screen. 

“As in, Tony Stark?  _ The  _ Tony Stark?” Jones asked in disbelief.

“Iron Man?” Neal echoed the excitement. 

“Yes. Which is why we need to solve this quickly, and legitimately. Whoever stole the money may be looking to hurt the Avengers,” Peter warned, darkly. 

“Like that’s never been done before,” Diana scoffed. Neal stopped himself from snickering as all eyes went on her. “Too soon?” 

“Yeah,” Burke confirmed. 

* * *

The pair entered the lobby, with the intention of waiting for Agent Coulson of SHIELD, to escort them up. 

“How early are we?” Neal checked, squeezing his thighs together subtly.

“5 minutes give or take,” Peter stated, raising a disappointed eyebrow at the lack of reading material on the table. 

“Alright, well, in that case, I’m just gonna pop to the bathroom really quick,” he excused himself, walking away. He nodded at the receptionist, who smiled back. 

“You can’t go in there, you need a...card?..” Peter protested, before spotting Neal pulling out a card which worked. 

His immediate and fairly rational instinct told him he wasn’t supposed to have that. 

“Do you still have your key card?” Burke asked the receptionist.

“Of course. It’s all good Agent Burke, he’s  _ allowed _ ,” she reassured him.

He nodded, confused. 

“Want to tell me how you got that?” Peter pointed at the card Neal had in his pocket. 

“Not particularly,” he politely evaded the topic.

Agent Coulson appeared as an additional diversion. 

“Hello, I’m Agent Peter Burke with the FBI, we spoke on the phone?” he introduced himself. 

“Feel free to call me Phil. Sorry for the delay, it’s a tall building, many floors to pass in the elevator,” Coulson shook his hand. 

“Before we go up; either of you need to get into the bathroom?”

“I’m good, thanks,” Peter dismissed the offer. 

  
“Me too, I used my card already,” Neal patted his suit pocket. “Thanks for that by the way,”

“Looks like it was near future after all,” Phil noted. 

He shrugged sheepishly. 

* * * * * * * *

The ride up was quiet at the start. 

“Okay; tell me,” Peter insisted. 

“I’d like to plead the fifth on that one, if you don’t mind,” Neal rebuffed him again. 

“I’ll tell my side?” Phil offered. 

“Oh, by all means,” Burke smiled in satisfaction. Neal looked down, pretending not to hear a word. 

“He bumped into me outside the building and lifted my card to use the bathroom, so I had an exclusive one made for him for just that one door,” Coulson smiled. 

“You’re very efficient in hiding your  _ other  _ belongings,” Neal complimented.

“Ah, the distraction+two fingered pinch?” Peter guessed, which was confirmed. 

“He did a similar trick in a bank, to prove its vulnerability,” he mentioned. 

“Wait; you  _ legally _ robbed a bank?” Phil asked, incredulous.

“It’s not robbery if you give it back,” Neal pointed out. “Same applies to pick-pocketing, as it turns out,” he smiled.

“Ok, it’s only me, so tell me; did you steal the U-Boat Treasure?”

“No,” Caffrey answered honestly. “My friend Mozzie did. He also blew up  _ my _ paintings to cover it up, including a very lovely blue one of the Chrysler Building,” 

“You made a copy,” Burke reminded him. 

“Ah, it’s not the same, the second time. Forgery is a forgery even if it’s of your own work,” Neal griped. 

“Imagine it would match your eyes,” Phil noted. 

“You know, SHIELD’s predecessor looked for that U-Boat, and couldn’t find it,” 

“But had no problem finding a blue cube from space. Right, that makes sense,” Neal commented humorously.

“How do you know about the Tesseract? That’s classified,” Cap asked seriously, as the doors opened. 

“My friend’s got good connections,” Caffrey explained. 

“Not morally,” Burke huffed.

“Agent Burke. Caffrey,” Steve saluted the former, and gave the latter a firm handshake, and a pointed look.

“What rank were you again, Captain or Drill Sergeant?” Neal asked, sarcastically. 

“Now I see how you conned all those people,” Rogers muttered, failing not to laugh.

Neal looked around at all the art he wouldn’t be able to steal, or remember well enough to forge.

He had the impulse to straighten his suit a little, feeling like he’d disrespect the exquisite decor otherwise. Steve glanced at the man tugging on his belt. 

“Oh, do you need to go to the bathroom?” he asked Neal bluntly. 

Neal, who had at that point stopped expecting to blush, turned  _ spectacularly  _ red. 

“No, I’m fine” he replied, clearing his throat.

“You sure?” Cap checked. 

“He used his card,” Phil supported the claim. Steve nodded in understanding.

Neal wasn’t sure what was more embarrassing; the question or the fact that the 2, one of which were  _ Captain America _ , had clearly been discussing said card and the reason behind it…

* * *

Tony Stark finally entered, having had a nap to recover from the countless debriefings prescribed. So much for that leave of absence Fury had texted him about…

To make matters worse, there was now a SHIELD agent in his living room.

And not just any agent. The one who’d been resurrected. 

“Please tell me you’ve not come back from the dead just to hand me something,” he deadpanned. 

“No, this isn’t one of your nightmares, Stark,” Phil assured him. “They’re here about the embezzlement.”

Peter was about to introduce himself and flash his badge, when Tony spoke again. 

“Hold up, Dirty Harry. What's going on with  _ these two _ ?” Stark pointed at Coulson and Caffrey. 

“Stark, this is…” he tried to steer the focus back, but Tony interjected.

“ _ He  _ can’t look  _ him  _ in the eye. You two sleep together?”

“NO!” they both protested, Caffrey more quietly. 

“Been mistaken before, have you?..” Peter smirked. 

  
“Shut up,” Neal glared. 

“JARVIS? Got any clue as to the nature of the Capsicle in the room?” Stark beckoned to his AI. 

‘ _ I believe I do, sir, _ ’

“JARVIS is my AI interface, but he can do much more than a typical one. Basically everything, and he knows everything that goes on when I’m not here,” Tony explained. “JARVIS, report”

‘ _ I’m fairly confident Mr Caffrey is embarrassed, due to an interaction they had prior to their official introduction this morning. Mr Caffrey ‘borrowed’ the Agent’s key card to access the lavatory, and was subsequently gifted a unique one of his own for the same purpose, _ ’ JARVIS retold. 

“Well, I don’t blame ya...I keep offering to build a proper block of toilets for the mayor, but he says it would ‘clash with the natural atmosphere’ or some bullshit like that. In my not the least bit humble opinion, portapotties belong in a campsite with all the other people who have no  _ standards _ . Respect. I’m flattered,” Stark complimented, shaking Caffrey’s hand. 

“So that’s Phil, Steve, Dirty Harry and Caffrey,”

“I’m  _ Agent  _ Peter Burke,” Burke corrected, which earned an eye roll and a sigh from the genius. 

“And you can call me Neal,” Neal smiled, tipping his hat. 

“Neal, I can personally verify that the bathrooms here are as good as in the lobby if not better,  _ and  _ easy to find in case either of our  _ Agent  _ chaperones take too long. But maybe you already knew that, because Steve insists on playing a preschool teacher,” Tony informed, smirking at Cap. 

“I wouldn’t have to, if the  _ leader _ of the Avengers didn’t..” Rogers interrupted about to make a valid point about Tony’s  _ sense _ in the subject.

“Don’t forget the oath,” Stark warned, silencing him.

  
Neal smiled again. The gang were infinitely more entertaining, and  _ human _ than the news cared to report. 


	3. Both Eyes Open (sphincter closed)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not the most flattering thing to be caught doing...least of all by _him_

The investigation pointed to the suspect having access to SHIELD’s files, so with evidence not indicating a threat to the Avengers  _ directly _ , at least not yet, the FBI paid a visit to the headquarters, to try and get access to their records, anyone who logged in to any servers. Warrants didn’t apply under shady laws that Hughes seemed too confused by,  _ himself _ , to explain.

They split up, Diana and Jones went to question some operatives who were willing to talk, within limits. While Peter went in to talk to some higher-ups including an Agent Hill who’d been briefed by Coulson beforehand and seemed fairly cooperative.

“Don’t move an inch. This place is bugged straight out of Mozzie’s  _ nightmares _ , so don’t try anything. It’s Caffrey-proof,” Peter reminded him firmly, walking inside. Neal was on his prescribed chair outside.

The more times he got benched, the less sense it made, why. Yes, he’d gotten into a habit of making Peter suspicious, both deliberately and by  _ accident _ , but this felt like a stretch. He hadn’t stolen anything from Stark or Captain America when both were within reach with wallets and expensive technology. He wished it counted for something. 

Especially since the fact that he hadn’t gone to the bathroom before they left, counted for something according to his bladder...

* * *

Peter told him not to move an inch, but his predicament required him to violate that command, repeatedly and extensively.

Keeping in mind the highly trained agents walking past, he counted himself lucky that the shifting was all that was needed...well, that and a  _ bathroom break _ . 

Another plus was the tight fit of the chair. It was boxy, allowing him to gain some pressure merely by sitting as far back as he could, without ending up with a chair-shaped indentation on his butt. 

* * *

Nick Fury was summoned to the first floor, to speak with some federal agents. Of the more earth-bound variety. 

He checked his phone while stepping off the elevator. The meeting he originally intended to crash would be over soon, so he decided to simply wait it out. Nick trusted Hill to come to a tolerable arrangement on his behalf.

Fury approached the hallway where Neal was sitting, intending to grab a soda from the vending machine to ease the wait. He slowed down at the sight of the young man. 

Caffrey was sitting leaned back with his hands grasping the edge of the seat. Then he alternated to leaning forward with his hands clasped between his legs; finally, tapping his fingers on the chair as he leaned back once more. 

_ Hmm. _ The right side of Fury’s mouth jerked into a subtle half-smile.

“The bathroom’s right over there. You go quickly, your boss man won’t notice you being gone,” he informed the con man. 

Neal turned red at the temples, swallowing tensely to keep away a full-on blush. He nodded politely at Fury. 

_ 3,2,1... _

The Director kept his uncovered eye on the reflection in the window. 

Neal looked at the door Peter would exit, ensuring the time frame presumed by Nick was correct. 

He walked quickly to the bathroom, grateful that Fury was nowhere near him. If not for the reasonable hygienic properties, the eyepatch seemed relatively obsolete. It didn’t hide the piercing stare he’d just received. 

* * *

Peter walked out of the conference room to see his consultant slapping his knees impatiently. 

“You know you could’ve  _ moved _ , right? I didn’t mean that literally,” he raised a bemused eyebrow.

Neal sprang up from the chair like a switchblade.

“Could’ve fooled me...which is quite an achievement. I was fine, these chairs are surprisingly comfortable,” he noted.

They were passing the restrooms, so Burke stopped. 

“You wanna?...” If Neal had been as sedentary as he claimed, it didn’t seem too farfetched for him to grin and bear it for the full hour. 

Caffrey drew his lips together stiffly, shaking his head and waving off the question firmly. He also took a great stride ahead of him, as if he desired to leave the building and never return. 

“Hey, slow down! What’s gotten into you?” Peter questioned, concerned. 

“Nothing,” Neal claimed, staring unconvincingly at his boss. 

Phil and Fury suddenly came walking towards them. 

“Hope we were helpful,” Coulson shook Burke’s hand. 

“Well,  _ cooperative  _ might be a more realistic term, but sure let’s go with yours,” Peter smiled indulgently. 

Neal was looking out of the window from afar, stretching his neck, and keeping a part of himself behind his handler. 

“This is Nick Fury, the Director,” Phil introduced. 

“Call me Fury, everyone does. Or they get a load of  _ this _ ,” Fury lifted his eyepatch revealing a small blueish gash across the eye, which was itself  _ glassy _ , though the pupil was intact.

Neal discreetly tilted his hat to block the view of the eye, shuddering. 

“This is my consultant Neal Caffrey...Neal?” Peter summoned. 

“We’ve already been introduced, Hello  _ Nick _ ,” he smiled. 

“Someone’s grown a pair,” Fury patted him on the shoulder. 

For the remainder of the conversation, Neal looked at the ground; something he did often when he was bored and not  _ relevant _ . 

Only this time, when Burke let out an indicative sound, part sigh part scoff, he still didn’t look up. A glance told him that Neal was avoiding eye contact. But not with Coulson this time around. With Fury. 

He instructed Caffrey to go wait in the car. 

“Okay, what was that about?” Peter asked the SHIELD agents.

“You might wanna take care how you speak to a man who’s been locked up for four years, and dragged a Steve Jobs’ ball and chain for 2,” Fury advised.

“Maybe I should get him another card,” Phil quipped. They walked away. 

“I think Peter will do the honours soon enough,” Fury agreed.

Peter slowly walked in the other direction, musing. 

It occurred to him, that Neal hadn’t used the restroom since...well, he didn’t actually know. What he  _ did  _ know, was that he didn’t go at the FBI prior to their departure.

So, either he  _ moved  _ quite far, or he lied. Neither made much sense. 

* * * * * *

“How comfortable  _ were  _ those chairs? They looked quite...blocky,” Peter remarked, conspicuously.

“Well, they fit my slender frame just right,” Neal replied, shuffling back in his seat in satisfaction.  _ Or was it? _ ...

“So, if I check your anklet, I’ll find you glued to your seat, occupied only by your thoughts?” Burke was outright hinting now.

“Good luck checking it, pretty sure SHIELD beats US Marshals. If anything, Mozzie probably has evidence of collusion,” he noted. 

“Okay, you got me...want some water?”

“I’m not thirsty,” Neal declined.

“Uh-huh...now,  _ why _ would that be? Fury seemed to really get to you...it’s important to stay hydrated when you break a sweat,” Burke advised.

“Peter, stop it, you know I don’t drink right after I...” the sentence halted due to Neal blushing.

“I do know that..” he noted, understanding.

There was a moment of silence.

“I also know that you would’ve made a pirate joke back there unless  _ something _ happened. But please, keep evading, bet it’ll develop into very nice lie..oh wait, you don’t tell  _ those _ with me,” Peter persuaded him. 

Neal did something he’d never done before. He turned on the radio to the  _ sports  _ channel. At first, this solidified for Agent Burke that his interrogation skills were getting rusty. 

“He knew. I don’t know  _ how,  _ but he knew,” Neal started. 

“Knew what?” Peter hid his immense interest poorly.

Neal glared at him. 

“That I..” he gestured down with his head. Burke got the point. 

“Oh,” he registered his understanding. 

Caffrey blushed.

“Well, he’s Nick Fury. It’s his job to be observant.” 

“About that? No way. Not with every operative anyway,” Neal remarked sceptically. 

“Alright. Maybe it was one of your  _ tells _ ,” Peter suggested. 

“I do  _ not  _ have tells,” he protested indignantly. 

“Neal, I’ve been your handler for over a year. I care about you. You don’t think I pay attention to that sort of thing?” 

“I’m sure you do. I’m not sure  _ why _ ,” Caffrey remarked, dubiously. 

“Hey, like I said I care. We’re bros; there’s plenty of reasons for you to want to keep that from me. It could be an awkward time, you could underestimate how serious it is, and ignore it in favour of your work. I’m not judging, I’m just looking out for you,” Burke defended.

“Okay, Sherlock; give me an example,” Neal challenged. 

“Well, probably not relevant but..Captain Rogers had a point. You  _ have _ adjusted your belt when needing the bathroom before.” he mentioned.

Neal nodded. He had to give him that. 

“What else?” 

“Let’s see, you were sitting, so...did you lean forward with your hands clasped in your lap?” Peter suggested. 

“Yeah,” Caffrey admitted sheepishly. He  _ really  _ had to go..

He had an epiphany. “Oh, for the love of Socrates...I leaned  _ backwards _ holding on to the edge of the seat, pressing. I had my eyes closed, so I didn’t realise that he was down the hall,” Neal realised. 

“Well, he’s the head of the most covert, secretive classified organisation in the world. He could probably tell the difference between you rubbing your thighs out of impatience or  _ incontinence _ ,” Peter remarked humorously.

“Of all the agents that could’ve blown my cover...I  **really** wish it hadn’t been him,” he sighed. 

* * *

Back at the office, as soon as Jones and Diana heard Nick Fury had met the pair, they had questions. 

“Did the anklet stop working when you entered?” was Jones’ question.

“Did you even have to _introduce_ yourself?” Diana asked simultaneously.

Peter chuckled. 

“Anklet remained operational. Though we wouldn’t have to talk to them if the government hadn’t stonewalled us about warrants..and I did introduce myself so I don’t know if he knew us. Although Neal had  _ already  _ been introduced, in a  _ manner of speaking _ ...” Neal nudged Peter in the arm to shut up, shaking his head and glaring. 

“And what manner would that be?” Jones inquired curiously. 

Neal threw his hands up in resignation, rolling his eyes. 

“It was all Peter’s fault,” he clarified immediately. “He told me to stay put while he talked to the Super Feds, I took it too literally for my own good..bladder-wise,” he admitted, looking down with a small blush.

“And Fury assisted as any  _ other  _ person with manners would do,” Peter added in his defence.

Neal closed his eyes and breathed through his nose exasperatedly. 

“He just  _ pointed  _ me towards the bathroom,” he quickly amended, saving some dignity.

“ _ Nick Fury _ showed you the bathroom?” Diana raised an eyebrow in amusement. 

“He the only one with clearance?” Jones asked in jest. 

“Hilarious,” Caffrey hissed and stormed out. Peter found him minutes later, his hat on despite being indoors, nose in a mortgage fraud file. 

“I can send them to the Cave* if you want,” he offered. “Now  _ that  _ would be funny,” 

“Now what else is funny? How ridiculously dull this casefile is,” Neal noted. 

“Ignore them. They’re still riding high on the ‘make fun of the agent with a tracking anklet’ train. Don’t take it to heart. Sorry about the misunderstanding,” Peter apologised. 

“I’m the one who  _ misunderstood _ ,” he grumbled quietly.

“Because  _ I  _ misspoke. We’re both at fault. Or, we’re both innocent. Semantics, you choose,” Burke shrugged. 

“Actually  _ you’re  _ the one who lives in a world of black and white. I just wear it,” Neal smiled, stroking his suit proudly.

Peter picked the hat off his consultant’s head and ruffled his hair. 

Diana and Jones approached. 

Peter glared at them. 

“Next person who _bullies_ **Neal** , gets reported to Hughes for not being a team player,” he emphasised strictly. “Now GET BACK TO WORK,” Burke made a point of using the double-fingered point at the two clowns. 

“And they call  _ me _ Burke the Jerk,” the Agent shook his head in frustration. It was hard enough to get his asset in the zone, when he wasn’t being  _ constantly _ undermined by people who had no part in either of his arrests, much less treating him with  _ respect... _

He knew who would be in the van during the next month’s stakeouts, and who’d be sipping June’s Italian roast. 

*aka the evidence warehouse- called the cave due to it being in the  _ basement _

**THE END.**


End file.
